February...I think this is the worst month out of the year for me. Especially around Valentine's Day.  I get very moody, depressed, angry, feel completely useless and have anxiety. If there is anything else that makes this month bad, I probably have it too. I clean...clean out papers, books, music, just anything and everything that I don't want, well, might want it, but I seem to want to get rid of a lot. Which, in a way, could be a good thing, or bad, depends on how it's looked at. I think by getting rid of some things is away to try to get rid of the feelings. It hasn't worked. After I make a big mess, I then get mad at myself for doing it, I have to clean it up, but I will continue to do it.
   People have a habit of just thinking you're a little 'down', but with me it's a lot more. You see, I had a son, that collapse and died in my arms for no apparent reason in 1967. It was just a few days before his first birthday. Yes it was 47 years ago, but it's something you never forget. Also, my faithful dog, Katie, died last year at this same time. I don't dwell on it, but the mind will not let me forget what I went through. Each year when I think I'm going to get through the month,  it appears. No warning, it's just there.
    Life goes on and loss is something we can't foresee or prevent you say, yes it does, I will admit that  but what does a person do? Face it? That's a laugh. No matter how much you 'face it' it does not go away. After February, my mind seems to settle down into a normal thought period. Oh, there are times that I have anxiety, depression, moods, being angry, as do most people, but it goes away, and there is generally a reason behind these feelings.
    Please don't try to lecture me, feel sorry for me or pretend you understand, I don't think you can understand how I feel unless you have gone through the same thing.
    Sometimes I smash things, but I'm a lot better then I used to be, but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to. Sometimes that's the only way to relieve the tension. Believe me when I say I have tried everything to control it. And yes, sometimes I feel a little better afterwards.
   So until February is over, I will try to keep myself as busy as I possibly can. If not busy, I can sleep.