February...I think this is the worst month out of the year for me. Especially around Valentine's Day.  I get very moody, depressed, angry, feel completely useless and have anxiety. If there is anything else that makes this month bad, I probably have it too. I clean...clean out papers, books, music, just anything and everything that I don't want, well, might want it, but I seem to want to get rid of a lot. Which, in a way, could be a good thing, or bad, depends on how it's looked at. I think by getting rid of some things is away to try to get rid of the feelings. It hasn't worked. After I make a big mess, I then get mad at myself for doing it, I have to clean it up, but I will continue to do it.
   People have a habit of just thinking you're a little 'down', but with me it's a lot more. You see, I had a son, that collapse and died in my arms for no apparent reason in 1967. It was just a few days before his first birthday. Yes it was 47 years ago, but it's something you never forget. Also, my faithful dog, Katie, died last year at this same time. I don't dwell on it, but the mind will not let me forget what I went through. Each year when I think I'm going to get through the month,  it appears. No warning, it's just there.
    Life goes on and loss is something we can't foresee or prevent you say, yes it does, I will admit that  but what does a person do? Face it? That's a laugh. No matter how much you 'face it' it does not go away. After February, my mind seems to settle down into a normal thought period. Oh, there are times that I have anxiety, depression, moods, being angry, as do most people, but it goes away, and there is generally a reason behind these feelings.
    Please don't try to lecture me, feel sorry for me or pretend you understand, I don't think you can understand how I feel unless you have gone through the same thing.
    Sometimes I smash things, but I'm a lot better then I used to be, but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to. Sometimes that's the only way to relieve the tension. Believe me when I say I have tried everything to control it. And yes, sometimes I feel a little better afterwards.
   So until February is over, I will try to keep myself as busy as I possibly can. If not busy, I can sleep.

2014...

 I just can't believe the date. Who would have thought that there was such a thing as the 21st century.
Oh well. Sometimes I have a hard time believing there was a yesterday. What ever the day was. And by the way, where did today go? I don't think I got anything accomplished. Warmed up soup that I made yesterday. Divided it up and put it in freezer, along with beans I cooked a couple days ago. Washed dishes, dried clothes that were still damp, put them up. fed chickens, dogs, cats, cut out some coupons, was on my tablet awhile, looked through a couple of seed catalogs trying to talk myself into buying some different ones. And lets see--let the dogs in and out, got the eggs, put the chickens up about 5:40. Think that was all. Nothing very exciting. But there it went, the whole day. A
  And don't ask about yesterday. It went about the same way. What did I do?. Oh, I know, it snowed. Think the snow froze the brain, because it is blank. When something is frozen doesn't it stay the way it froze? I think my brain is quite confused, I do believe that it erases itself every now-and-then.
 while I'm thinking about it, I do remember about taking the vacuum apart to see why it wasn't working right. No plugs ups, cleaned the rollers, but it still doesn't want to suck right. Has to be something somewhere. Have you ever listened to your vacuum? It hums when you put your hand over the sucking thing, then when you take it of it kind of burps. Well maybe that's not really how it sounds, but you get the idea. Anyway, you can hear the plug let loose then get stuck again. But where is it? There isn't a bag, and all the filters are clean, so now what? Oh well, guess I'll keep trying to figure it out. Don't mind it, but getting down on the floor isn't much of a problem, it's getting up that's hard. But never fear, I'll get-r-done.
   You ask, have I been writing?  Well yes and no. I do a lot in my head, but just doesn't seem to get down on paper. Doesn't last that long in the brain to get it that far. Oh I have a lot of ideas, just no motivation. How does a person get the motivation they need to get things done? Seems like there are millions of other things that I need to do first, or during, and that's not good. I get distracted very easily. Painting? oh yes, painting is another problem I seem to have. Not the painting, its the finishing that gets by me. I want to, I just can't seem to get the motor going long enough to get it done. Hey don't laugh. I bet you have had similar problems. Some people just hate to admit that they have problems. Me, well yes, I have many and I'm not afraid to say it. Just don't like to.
 With that little bit of new knowledge about me, I'll sign off for now.
  Please feel free to laugh. I can't hear you anyway.

B.AnnaLee.